It was May 24, 2010. My eyes opened and pain immediately filled my entire body. I had just given birth to my first-born son, Elijah Jimil. I looked around to find someone in sight and there was no one there. A nurse came to my bedside saying, “Ms. Miles, everything is okay. We just need you to rest.”
“Where is my son?” I questioned. My mom makes her way in the room as tears immediately filled my eyes to run down my face. She kissed my face as I told her how much pain I was in. The pain didn’t amount to how bad I wanted to lay eyes on my son. In the shadows, I see a man walking in the room, with a huge smile on his face. He gets to the bed, kisses me on my forehead, and says, “Daddy is so proud of you baby.” Then, there were even more tears.
The nurse says, “Only one person can be in the room at a time.” My dad started to exit while explaining to the nurse, not very nicely might I add, how he was just trying to check on his baby. He walks out telling me he was going to check on his grandson.
The next day, my dad came back to the hospital and held Elijah for almost two hours. He didn’t say much of anything to me. I even remember dozing off a few times because of the medication. Every time I looked up, my dad was rocking and staring between Elijah and whatever I had on the television.
On July 23, 2010, my father was sent home on hospice after fighting colon cancer for five years. The family gathered at His home as he was made comfortable. We all disbursed to our own homes that evening with a plan of bringing food the next day. By the time I made it back to the house, my father’s breathing had become shallow and very faint. I was in the kitchen fixing a plate of food and I heard my sister say, “He’s gone y’all.” My body hit the floor. I finally made my way into the room where his body laid.
Growing up, my little sister would be considered the “spoiled” child or “Daddy’s Girl”. As a child, I confused being spoiled with being more loved. One day I actually told my dad I felt he loved my sisters more because they were always getting what they wanted from him. His words to me were, “You have the same opportunities to get what you want and need from me, but you don’t ask.” He was right. In my mind, at the time I felt like it was wrong of me to always go and ask my dad for anything when my little sister was always going to him already for everything. I also felt like I didn’t call him enough or spent enough time with him to ask him for things I wanted or needed. I just never wanted my dad to feel like I only called him for those reasons. Point blank, I never in no shape, form, or fashion, felt unloved by my father, but as a young girl, I never knew how and what it meant for a father to show real love without having gifts and things I desired. As a teenager and an adult, as I grasped the concept of what a father’s love should consist of, I realized I looked forward to meals with my dad, going to church with him, and laughing until my stomach hurts more than having the materialistic things from him. Thankfully, I mastered this concept early on where that perception of love would not boil over into my relationships as an adult and successfully pass that on to my children.
Losing my father was TOUGH for two reasons. One, I had just left my home church a year before and he had become my pastor and baptized me. As my pastor, our relationship grew stronger than I could’ve ever imagined. I saw my father in a different light and didn’t want that light to dim from my life. I felt as if I was losing my new best friend. The second reason was Elijah. The look in his eyes on the day my son was born was inexplicable. My sister told me he preached about Elijah from the Bible for three weeks straight. When we were cleared to leave the house, after church was over, he gave the benediction and said, “Bring me my grandson.” You could see the joy in his eyes and hear it in his smile when he called to check on him. It pained me to come to grips with my dad not being able to see Elijah and the other grandchildren grow up. Even now, it hurts sometimes to think about how he never got a chance to meet all the other grandkids who have been born since his passing.
What I Have Learned
People make preparations daily for death, but I would never be able to believe that anyone would be humanly possible to emotionally prepare themselves for it. It was hard for me to believe my father was going to pass away so suddenly and unexpectedly, especially at a time where I felt our relationship was growing stronger. Through my father’s passing, I was able to apply our bond to his wife, my stepmother, and my sisters. There were many things I did not know my father endured throughout his years of living. Knowing what I know now helped me to respect and love him even more than I did before. My prayer since he has passed and forever is hoping he knew just how much I loved and appreciated him before he left this earth and live daily spreading as much love and appreciation as I can to my family and friends so I won’t ever have to wonder with anyone else.
I am “The Vision Blogger”. I am a Lifestyle & Motivational Blogger, Writer, and Poet. I spend my days raising my three beautiful children, better known as, “My Three Piece”, and living my life to the absolute fullest. As a blogger, my goal is to push vision. I give my testimony of triumph through grief and loss of hope to ultimately give and offer hope to anyone who may be dealing with issues in life that may stop them from moving forward.
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