Interview With a Fatherless Daughter

Hello Daughters! About a year ago, I had the pleasure of interviewing an anonymous daughter to learn more about her perspective on being a fatherless daughter and how it impacted her life. I am so excited to finally share this interview with you all, because she also talks about her journey to restoration and forgiveness. Check out the interview, and feel free to comment below 🙂

What was your relationship with your father like growing up?

My mom and my dad divorced when I was 8. So, from the ages of 8 – 12, I spent my summers with my dad. After that, the next time I saw my dad was my high school graduation. Prior to him coming to my graduation, we would talk on the phone and he would send me birthday and Christmas cards in the years between. But, it wasn’t a close relationship. During that time, he did not provide any emotional support, and although he says that he provided child support, my mother tells another story.

What did the lack of support from your father look like and how did it make you feel?

There was one time that I called my father, and I asked him for some money to help pay for my high school tuition. He told me that he had just bought a new Cadillac, so he didn’t have any money to help me. I knew that he was supporting and taking care of his wife’s children, while my brother and I were with my mom who was a single parent, working hard and struggling every day. When you’re young, you don’t know the whole story, so you formulate your feelings based on the information that you have. So, I had a lot of hard feelings towards my dad. Because of this, after I graduated high school, I didn’t have too much to do with my dad. I would talk to him every once in a while but it was not like I missed him because he hadn’t been involved in my life while I was growing up.

How did you feel about your father at the time?

He was not one of my favorite people. I felt like he had turned his back on me, my brother and my mom. I don’t want to say that I didn’t love him, but I don’t think that I could have said that I liked him at that time. I didn’t pursue a relationship with him, and the fact that our relationship was distant was fine with me. I had grown accustomed to it.

How did not having your dad impact you emotionally and in your relationships with other people?

I was fortunate when I was growing up. I did have some male figures in my life. I was very involved with the catholic church, so the priests were my father figures and they would share a lot of knowledge with me about what a young lady should/shouldn’t do. But because I had such a great mother, I was fine. Of course, every daughter would want to have a close relationship with her father and every daughter misses her father. But when you have a mother who takes the place of both and fills your heart with love, you don’t miss it. But, having an absent father makes you more determined to not connect with another man who you think would wind up being like that. So it kind of puts you on your guard. 

How did not having your father affect your view of men?

It didn’t have any negative impact on me in the sense that I wasn’t scared of men or I wasn’t going to date men. I always knew that one day I wanted a husband and I wanted children. But I knew that it was easier for a man with children to find a woman to help take care of those kids, than for a woman to find a man to help take care of the kids. So my mindset was that if I ever got married and divorced with young children, I was going to be the good time parent. I was determined, because most women take on the role of the mother, the father, and the caretaker and that’s why they’re so stressed. I looked at my mother and saw the emotional toll it took on her to raise two kids by herself. So, I vowed to never be that woman.

What is your relationship with your dad now?

Through the years you have limited facts. As time goes on, having animosity in your heart for your parent is draining and it’s not healthy. And the thing about it is that when you carry that type of dead weight, you’re the one who suffers for it. My dad was going on, living his life with his wife and my step brothers and sisters, and I don’t know that he ever knew the impact that he had. So, finally, I prayed to the Lord to help me with that to overcome that animosity. I wanted to have a pure heart toward my dad. I didn’t want to be fake, but I didn’t want to be carrying around a grudge or any hard feelings. And it took years. When I finally started realizing that was after the birth of my second child which was about 26 or 27

How did mend your relationship with your father?

My dad would always call and send cards. Over time, I extended myself more and more. For example, I would talk longer on the phone and on the holidays I would send him things. Gradually, it was just a process where next thing you know, there is no hard feelings. It’s your dad. Its not the dad that you would have picked, but it’s your dad and you just make the best of it. This is something that took years and it took healing, and now I’m here and I’m healed.

What would you say to a woman who is still struggling to forgive her absent father?

I would definitely pursue it even if the relationship doesn’t mend. You can get rid of your hard feelings because you’ve extended yourself, you’ve expressed how you felt, and I feel like that will free you. Ultimately I believe only God can heal us of every pain. It’s not to say that you don’t have times when the hurt still hurts, but it wont incapacitate you. It wont turn to hate. I feel sorry for people who are hurting like that, it’s a heavy hurt and it’s deep, so I don’t want anyone to carry that. I would strongly recommend that even if they don’t talk to their dad, write it out and pour it out. This is because carrying it is going to hurt you, psychologically, physically and emotionally if you continue to carry that bitterness.

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The Best Pawpaw Ever

Photo by Brett Sayles on Pexels.com

In 2002 my life changed for the better in two major ways. I became a mom and that elicited the second major change that happened. My dad was back in my life. You see my dad was physically absent but indirectly present and I’ll explain further in a minute.

I was in the hospital holding my new baby when I got a knock at the door. It was my dad. Now that may not seem odd to most, but for us, it was a bit shocking. My dad and I had no real relationship. Even though my dad lived in the house behind my grandma’s house, you would imagine living in such close proximity we would have had some type of daddy-daughter moments. But not in our case and that was a huge issue. See, when my mom and dad divorced, he divorced me too. Our new relationship was based on whenever his girlfriend wanted me around (and that wasn’t often),  true emergencies, or us bumping into each other at the grocery store. But this time was different, here he was at the hospital to see me!

He walked in Daddy and left out the best Pawpaw ever. Now, the love between him and my children is priceless. He would no doubt do anything for them and through their bond, it has also brought he and I closer. My dad and I have come a long way. He went from being absent to being within reach, to being barely present to completely supportive. Last year he was even at my mom’s family reunion. My children talk to him regularly, he showers them with love, and is quick to hand out large bills to them just because and if I hold my hand out I might just get blessed too!

It only took 22 years for us to get here but I’m grateful for him. I’m divorced and I have 3 children now. I haven’t had the most successful relationships with men until recently and I know it was due to my “daddy” issues, but I’m proud to say I’m working through those and I’m happy.

It only took 22 years for us to get here but I’m grateful for him.

I appreciate my Daddy’s growth and besides, I don’t know what he went through growing up or as a younger man. Either way, I love him and I know that he loves me too. He probably loves my children even more because now he gets to do it right and that’s perfectly fine with me. My dad is the best Pawpaw ever and a pretty cool daddy now!

Meet the Author: Quinn CJ

Quinn CJ is a Registered Nurse and Intimacy Coach/Owner of Platio Experience in Dallas, TX. She also has a YouTube channel focusing on dating, women’s health, and sexuality for women over 30.

Stay in Touch with Quinn CJ: Youtube Instagram

Business inquires: info@quinncj.com

Read our Last Post: Confessions of a Hurt Daughter

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Accepting the Apology Never Given

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Navigating life is hard when you have unfinished business with the people you interact with the most. It’s kind of weird when you think about it. Two lives intertwining in various ways, yet the implications can fuse toxic behaviors and interactions that have a long-lasting impact. Although, depending on the relationship and it’s importance in our lives, we ignore the toxic behaviors. As well as those moments that scare us simply because what we know that person to be, and the idea of what they should be, leave us feeling like we “need” them. Simply because they are “supposed” to be here.

The ideals we embrace as it pertains to relationships can be the very reason why we accept the horrible events yet never get over them. Once gaining enough courage and/or strength to walk away, we do so by “cutting” ties, yet not dealing with the mess that has fermented in our spirit. We say we are over it and forgive the person for the experiences had. Yet, most of the time that can only gain healing from the person recognizing their toxic behaviors and apologizing for their way of being.

But what happens when you never receive the apology you need?

What happens when that person refuses to take responsibility for their toxicity, actions, and even inactions? Where do we begin to heal? Where do we start? A lot of the time we go on believing that we should simply ignore them and the traumatic experiences forever. Although not realizing that it is one more bag added to our cart of things we need to sort through. Yet, we continue on and obliviously drag each bag in and out of every relationship, encounter, and even conversation with those we cross paths with.

We don’t realize in those moments of their refusal to apologize and our wanting of an apology, that just like the relationship we shared, they were too toxic to understand and or even be held accountable for their actions. They embodied incapability. Being incapable to communicate effectively, to take responsibility for their actions, or even to understand their own toxicity. Now they are simply incapable of acknowledging the hurt they caused. This is OKAY.

That is a journey they must take and figure out along the way. While we must understand 1) forgiveness isn’t for the other person, and 2) split paths can walk attached. We must forgive them for their actions understanding that they may not ever understand. Forgiveness isn’t the absence of memory or pain, it’s the acceptance of truth and the acknowledgment of experience. That is, healing occurs when we choose to live a life unhindered and of value to ourselves. Choosing oneself is always the best medicine and the greatest apology.

Author: Aja Symone

Instagram: IamAjaSymone

Blog: www.ajasymone.com

Twitter: IamAjaSymone

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